Commentary

this guy’s 15 minutes are over, Richmond

John Lewis Morgan, you are a thorn in my side.
Usually I like it when people speak their mind, I certainly enjoy doing it, but there’s a difference here–no one cares what I’m saying. Richmond is a pretty small market, and JLM seems to have made his mark. He’s actually a marginally respected journalist, and I find this appalling. RVA Mag, a more legitimate publication, calls him a “friend,” and Style Weekly even did a write up on him, lauding his success. Spewing vitriol and a singular world view, I am at a loss to find anything to like about One Way Richmond.

Presumably, OWR gets it name from the closed mindedness of its author. From the tone taken by Mr. Morgan, seemingly, anyone who isn’t paying their dues, desperately trying to be hip, belongs in the suburbs with HIV. He’s like, “hey guys, there’s only One Way here–my way or the highway! And also there’s a new Sheriff in town.” It’s about being into the music scene in RVA, having your hair cut like Oasis, and living within the city limits.

JLM

Who wore it better?

He’s got a major chip on his shoulder, and that chip is middle class and white. He decries tribute bands, Chesterfield, Henrico, Boulevard, families, Bud Light, and illiteracy. You see, those things are all associated. Sure it’s easy to hate those things, but to engender so much hatred to so many people? It suggests that you don’t know any of those people. You’re a wannabe hipster, preaching to the contrived and pretentious elite of Lamplighter. Not to mention the fact that you’re fighting a battle that you don’t want to win, because if you win, you lose. When the suburbanites come into your city trying to enrich themselves with a little culture, you bitch. If everyone thought the One Way that you want them to, you wouldn’t have anything to bitch about. And bitching is your lifeforce.

Hipsters are the people who pretend to love all blue collar things, but actually hate blue collar people. While being interviewed by Style, about his investigation into Richmond, JLM said, “Buried under a bunch of mainstream crap, which every city has now, lay an unbelievable cultured class that does things the DIY (do-it-yourself) or blue collar way – basically the right way.” You see, it’s okay to do Blue Collar things, as long as you’re well educated, don’t need to do Blue Collar things as your occupation, and like all of the same things that he does. However, if you’re a mechanic who drinks Bud Light, likes to go to The National to see The Machine, never got help for your dyslexia, and lives in Chesterfield, stay out of my city (not really)! The absolute impudence of praising the cultured class who do things the One Way that JLM thinks is right is shocking. I get it, Mr. Morgan has a major broner for Lance at Minimum Wage Recording.

I’m gonna tell you the truth. I like to DIY stuff. I like craft beer. and I see no reason to go see a tribute band. When I lived in Richmond, I got majorly annoyed at people from outta town coming in and taking my precious parking. People who attempt to conform to any particular social niche are laughable at best, and pretty terrible at their worst. I’m being honest though–I don’t want those people to change to be like me. I don’t need other people getting all interesting and trying to compete with me. I need to have my shit that I do that makes me feel like I’m a tiny bit better than other people. That’s why hipsters have gotten so weird and beardy lately… the mainstream culture is catching up with them, faster than over. I mean, shit, man. I was talking to a friend from Norway. Fucking Norway, and he said that they have the same guy there that was a his hair combed back, long on top, short on the sides. He wears sturdy denim jeans, rolled up, maybe a snazzy pair of socks, a button down shirt, and some big boots.  Oh yeah and a beard.

This is a thing.

Yeah, it’s a thing. And it’s a mainstream thing. I was in The Well the week before it closed, and I swear, the bartender called me “random girl,” because I didn’t have a beard. Btw, fuck you bartender, I’m Asian and also a girl, I’m not growing a beard in this life.

So, in conclusion, Mr. Morgan, I know you want the Token Bearded Guy to like you because you both hate the same things.

It’s not happening though. You care too much, and Lance is actually a really nice guy.

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RE: The Cheesiest Establishments in Richmond, Va

The problem with this article about Richmond’s Cheesiest Establishments is that it’s supposed to be funny, but it isn’t funny. Congratulations Mr. Morgan. You wrote an article criticizing a bunch of places that I hate and you still pissed me off. How completely devoid of cleverness do you have to be. The only way that this is funny is if it is intended to be not funny, and the joke is that some people find it funny. Is that the joke? Like if I went to see Grown Ups 2 in theaters so that I could laugh at the people laughing because it’s that unfunny. Unless it was meant ironically… so if it was, will someone please tell me. Obvi Mr. Morgan was trying to be funny, but unless he is making fun of people who make fun of “insecure prostitutes,” he’s not funny. I hope that you followed that. You see, even though it’s doubtful that the staff at Off The Hookah are insecure prostitutes, it certainly wouldn’t be funny if they were. That would be super sad. What would be funny is if someone was an incredible enough douchebag to make light of someone that down on their luck. The joke is the article was written in the tone of douchebag, and I guess it is funny if I read it as if it were written by someone like Todd Packer from The Office or that guy in Stepbrothers who tells Brennan to change his face. So I think I’m done trying to explain humor.

I don’t think it’s funny that more than a million people in the US have HIV, even more have other STDs, and almost every woman gets her period once a month.

Amber, did you just have your period at the bar?…Fuck it, I’m a complete whore and live in a trailer.

Was this written by a 12-year old? Or possibly Joel (Sorry, Joel)? There is a clever, subtle way to satirize different social groups, but this isn’t it. A great example would be The Hipster Handbook and Food Court Druids and Cherohonkees by Richmond native, Robert Lanham. I was hoping that Mr. Morgan’s article would be funny like that, that I could read it and say, “yes, that is the type of person that frequents that establishment.” Half of these places I haven’t been to, and the other half I have been to and hate, but I still don’t know what he’s talking about.

* So this is Richmond?…Bluefield, WV is more appealing than this…

What the fuck is Bluefield, WV? Is that supposed to mean something to me? Or do you just indiscriminately hate West Virginia. Mr. Morgan you little shit, I looked up West Virginia on Wikipedia and get this:

Bluefield prides itself on its hospitable climate. Since 1938 the Chamber of Commerce has given free lemonade when the temperature has surpassed 90°F.

So yes, that certainly is more appealing than Tobacco Company, where the Company is Divorced Ricky and his Uncle that’s his same age (45) buying us a round of weak shooters and then dancing coincidentally in the same area as our group of girls who just want to dance with each other, all night.

Tiki Bob’s is super seedy and kind of brilliant. Who could complain when a bar is able to convince girls to compete in feats such as Jello Wrestling, Wet T-Shirt Contests, Sexy School Girl Wet T-Shirt Contest, and so forth? Certainly the desperation is palpable and it seems as though Mr. Morgan has forgotten how to thrive in this environment.

3 Monkey’s is for Bros. If you aren’t a Bro or a Bro-girl, don’t go there.

Cha Cha’s is probably the worst place I’ve ever been, but I haven’t even seen any vag rash. Maybe I’m not looking in the right places.

Mr. Morgan, did you forget that you could be drinking PBR on your porch in Oregon Hill when you ventured in to those establishments? John Lewis Morgan you self-righteous prick.

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